“I hate you mom & dad. I hate everything. I can’t take this anymore. I quit.”
Roughly 15 years ago, these could have been my last words. But apparently I survived! I never really hated my parents. It was merely the sheer darkness in my heart that had me almost convinced to finish it all. And ever since, I’ve been wondering what kept me alive. Well, guess what, there never is just one thing but many that work together in our favour. Things that we generally choose to ignore unless they throw themselves right in our face.
Back then, I was an introvert teenager with very few friends, but yes I had the pleasure of having a lovely female best friend. Both of us were going through a rough time and we often talked about it. We had these crazy moments in our respective lives that were trying to push us beyond the edge. Committing suicide was often one of the ideas we discussed but I thought we were pretty strong together. I had found strength in our friendship. I was sad but I felt strong everytime we were talking, be it in school or 1 am at night on the phone. But that was until this happened.
One night she called up late, which was quite normal between the two of us. And she was crying. She confessed that she had attempted to commit suicide but of course, during the attempt she couldn’t stand the pain and somehow managed to survive. Just by listening to her say this to me made me feel this immense amount of pain which to this day I can’t express appropriately in words.
That was when I realised we never die alone. When we die, a part of us that lives in the hearts of all the people who love us, also dies. All those people feel their hearts dying, all at the same time. And we become the cause of all this pain. I remember another friend telling me more recently how he came face to face with his mother as he was just about to hang himself. How would his mother have felt is a question I couldn’t dare ask. It is a huge responsibility for us to take the blame for hurting so many others who have always loved us. Those who did the best they could, sometimes going out of their way to make us feel happy, sometimes even making sacrifices for our sakes. And that’s when I killed that part inside me that wanted to kill myself.
I took my time to figure out what kept me going through all of this. It was love and faith. Love for my friend and faith that we can always help each other out. Maybe she didn’t share the same beliefs when she went on with the attempt but then I’m the one writing the blog now… (duhh)
Anyway, I just decided to not let go of love and faith. I put faith in myself and filled my heart with love for life. I cannot say it was easy. Nor was it a fast process. But it definitely pushed out the negativity in my heart leaving behind nothing but a whole lotta space for the positive. Only then did I begin to see the side of life I was earlier blinded to. I’m much closer to my family emotionaly and I can now even boast of finding true friendship in one of the most hostile of environments (the corporate world, that is).
Someone has rightly said “People don’t die by suicide. They die out of sadness.” Sadness is only the absence of love. You can find love in anyone or anything. Do what you love, go where you love, eat what you love, cook what you love or simply be with the one you love. Love doesn’t have boundaries. There really are no limits and there’s always something to love.
And you my friend, the one reading this. Yes you! You are beautiful. I have faith in you. You are stronger than you know and only time will tell. And from the bottom of my heart, I LOVE YOU .
( A repost from 2015; Authored by eternalsam )
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THINGS WE THINK 